pacman inkee

still in recovery

zopo by hep
zopo, a photo by hep on Flickr.

so i will still be doing memes. i am appalled and upset about the workings of this country this week, but i am unable to speak coherently on those topics until i am in a little less pain and a little clearer headspace. so until then, there is this. Pick however many you want, leave the numbers in the comments, and I'll answer it, if it applies to me. :)

1. Sexual orientation
2. What I'm really bad at
3. The one person whose arms I'd like to be in
4. My best first date
5. A description of my self-esteem
6. Who my best friends are
7. My favorite book
8. Biggest turn offs
9. A description of my best friend
10. My favorite animal
11. Someone I miss
12. The reason behind my last break up
13. What I did yesterday
14. What my greatest achievements are
15. A description of the person I dislike the most
16. My favorite songs right now
17. How my last kiss went down
18. What I find attractive in the preferred sex
19. All of the pets I've ever had
20. Favorite flavor of ice cream
21. The one place I want to be right now
22. The meanest thing anyone has ever said to me
23. Where I have lived before
24. I'll love you if...
25. What are my future plans
26. An internal conflict I have with myself
27. What I'm doing tomorrow
28. What I want to be when I get older
29. Most embarrassing moment
30. Two of my insecurities
31. What I would do if I won the lottery
32. A description of the boy I like
33. What I love most about myself
34. My biggest pet peeves
35. What bands I've seen live
36. Who my best friends are (duplicate of #6)
37. How many kids I want in the future
38. My idea of a perfect date
39. What I'm really good at
40. Most traumatic experience
41. Where I would like to live
42. The nicest thing anyone's ever said to me
43. Do I like where I am right now?
44. What I can hear right now
45. My relationship with my sibling(s)
46. All of the pets I've ever had (duplicate of #19)
47. My biggest worry currently
48. Something I've wished for repeatedly
49. My relationship with my parents
50. What words make me the best about myself (huh?)
51. Something I should have said a long time ago
52. What my last text message says
53. What I hate most about myself
54. Biggest turn ons
55. What words upset me the most
56. What I hate/d the most about school

7. My favorite book: probably the Dark Tower series by Stephen King, even tho it's more than one book. I just consider it one book that he took forever and a car accident to write.

29. Most embarrassing moment: god i have so many. i am like the clumsiest person alive. i cannot walk straight so i fall all the time. im always falling on my bike. i am basically constantly embarrassed by the physical failings of my body. probably when i fell over on my bike on market street in front of like 9829357489237 people WHEN I WAS SITTING STILL. i didn't get my foot out of the clips in time to put it down and i just kind of slowly and gracefully toppled over onto my ass. but i am sure there are better falls, and i have just blocked them out.
That does sound so embarrassing! I am so bad on bikes and always feel like I'm about to fall.

That reminds me of when I spent some time in SF (with Chris) earlier this year and we stayed on Market Street. I was new to the whole city thing but trying to look cool with my tied scarf and coffee and stroller, like a hip mom. The tassle of my scarf got caught in the little hole in my cup lid and as I pulled it away I spilled warm coffee on my baby's head, then just dropped the whole thing beside her and splashed some people.
17. How my last kiss went down: this one isn't so exciting. Yuriy kisses me goodbye every morning, and even after 6+ yr he still kisses me tenderly and romantically. it's very sweet. we are big on making sure to take a moment to say good bye because he rides his bike to work and i am always terrified he will get hit by a truck or something. i, however, promptly fell back asleep right afterwards hehe!
42 & 51!

though i'd also like an explanation of what the hell 50 was supposed to be.
42. The nicest thing anyone's ever said to me: oclet once told me that i was the meanest nice person he knew. i always thought that was an apt description.

51. Something I should have said a long time ago: that chocolate is a terrible lie. THERE I SAID IT! hehe!
4. My best first date: i hardly ever go on dates. i always date guys from online, and i am almost always the initiator and aggressor. so i don't have a lot of first dates to compare. probably yuriy and my first real date. i went down to visit him in socal and he took me to this place with a ferris wheel that we rode (i love ferris wheels, i like to be high up because i am a shorty) and a giant turtle statue that i climbed on. it was super fun. later i drank some of his drink and puked and he took a pic of it. that sounds like a terrible thing, but as i am a born troll this is the moment i knew i could love him forever.

43. Do I like where I am right now?: right now i am in my bed which i love. in life i am also in a place i love. surgery aside, and even my constant, constant, faster than an FTL neutrino business, i really love my life. i get to live in the best place in the world, i love my job even tho i also love bitching about it, i love my kids and they are super fun, we do fun shit like 90% of the time (10% real work) and i feel like i am giving positively of myself to things i want to thrive and support. creatively i feel very balanced between work and my own stuff. as soon as this surgery is behind me i anticipate my best, most flawless holiday season ever. i am going to have shit TOGETHER this year j0~!

44. What I can hear right now: i live right next to SFO airport so a plane just went over head. we are watching colbert on tv. the dog is running around on the deck clicking her nails checkin out raccoons creeping around over the fence. tapping of two keyboards because yuriy just got home. the hum of two computers, and the sounds of zane listening to (terrible) music through the door from the living room. through the open outside door i can hear the freeway way far off (like the susurration of the ocean with occasional bigrig horns which remind me of foghorns).

37. How many kids I want in the future: i used to think zero, because i am sooooo close to the finish line. but now i might be open to the idea of one more. sometimes we talk about it, neither of us is ready anytime soon, and there is a lot i want to do still. but maybe within 5yr or something, i might be open to the idea.

47. My biggest worry currently WELL ITS NOT A LUMP IN MY STOMACH ANYMORE WOOHOOOOOO!!!! i have two worries, that the palestine statehood vote will not go well and will make me super depressed, and how zoe and evan are handling the new harder stresses of school this year (zane is doing flawless and better than ever in all subjects, and socially, so i am totes not worried about her). it's a way harder year for both of them, zoe has SO MUCH extra stuff to do with cheerleading on top of actual hard college prep expectations of her classes (she is in a lot of ap prep classes) i know she can do it smartswise, but i worry that it's stressing her out and she will burn out. with evan, junior year is suddenly like 10x harder than previous years because it's the harder classes, all AP, and it's the year you have to do best because usually it's the last full year on your report card when you apply for colleges. his classes this year are HARD, and i don't want him feeling over pressurized or to get burned out. i worry a lot about burn out basically.

51. Something I should have said a long time ago: i don't have a really good answer for this one. i am pretty sure when you look up hep in the e-dictionary, under my picture it says "impossible to keep from speaking her mind". perhaps sorry to a lot of people. i used to be a big jerk, and there are some apologies i should probably make if i can find some of those people.
37 - plus side of being a young mom i guess! your kids are cool, i wouldn't mind there being more of them, but then again i don't have to feed them and listen to them bicker lol

47 - i'm so glad they didn't find a giant tumor or some other shit, lol even your body is a troll. i can see how zane would be the one you'd worry least about, the older 2 seem like sensitive types whereas zane is like a hurricane. yay that rhymes!

51 - true dat, i like how i can always trust you to be straight up and not a two faced bitch
50, because maybe you answering it will help me understand what the hell it's asking.
35. What bands I've seen live: man this one is rough cuz i have seen a lot of bands. i will just go with some of my favs: underworld, chemical brothers, oingo boingo, tupac, operation ivy, the coup, modest mouse. i've seen a lot of other bands like green day, vnv nation, front 242, new order, nine inch nails, etc, but they aren't among my favs, just shows i went to. i should probably make a full list at some point.

50. What words make me the best about myself (huh?): i have no idea what it means either hehe! but i will try to answer. i like when i make hep based puns, like hepilepsy, hepsilon, heprecaun, heppopotomus, hepinomicon, hepsi cola, hepocrit, etc. i use them as irc nicks hehe!
I am so very jealous of people living in the Bay, just because you guys get to see The Coup live and possibly for free.
12. The reason behind my last break up: we were going different places in life and i wanted to break things off before they became even harder and more complicated to sever. we could have still been good friends, but i think it was too hard for him to deal with the fact that i get over things quickly and was able to move on almost immediately. in my defense tho, i was mentally and emotionally preparing for the breakup for about the last 6mo of our relationship because i knew it was going to end that way considering both of our short and longterm goals.

30. Two of my insecurities: because i am a teen parent i am always insecure about how other people perceive me as a parent. not of my parenting itself, but i know that a lot of the other moms in the pta and stuff will always look down on me because i was so young, and being a teen parent is considered a hallmark of irresponsibility, when really its an act of ultimate responsibility because you are taking responsibility for that potential outcome of having sex. but because society hates being confronted with the fact that teenagers will procreate, and the fact that society labels getting an abortion or adoption as the "responsible" choice, i will always be inferior to a lot of them even tho the end result is that 99% of the time i am probably the better parent. i also get artistically insecure a lot because i am superstitious that i only have like, a certain "amount" of talent in me, and i will end up using it up. logically i know this is silly, but sometimes during periods of burnout it's a hard thought to get away from.
15. A description of the person I dislike the most: hmm this is a tough one. i tend to not be able to hold grudges, so it's not so much that i dislike people as i am indifferent to them. i am always too busy to waste time remembering who i dislike hehe!

20. Favorite flavor of ice cream: three way tie between strawberry, cookies & cream, and cherry garcia depending on my mood.
2. What I'm really bad at: anything physical. i am so clumsy. i can barely ride a bike, even tho i attempt to all the time.

9. A description of my best friend: my best friend is nullcherri and the beastie boys sum her up the best: "o/~ too sweet to be sour, too nice to be mean o/~". i also wrote about her once here.

17. How my last kiss went down: i kissed yuriy good night tonite because he went to sleep first. it was a very sweet tender kiss because i am still super sore, not just incision wise but i feel like i got in a fight or lifted a bunch of weights or something.

35. What bands I've seen live: c/ped from above: man this one is rough cuz i have seen a lot of bands. i will just go with some of my favs: underworld, chemical brothers, oingo boingo, tupac, operation ivy, the coup, modest mouse. i've seen a lot of other bands like green day, vnv nation, front 242, new order, nine inch nails, etc, but they aren't among my favs, just shows i went to. i should probably make a full list at some point
I'm super clumsy too, but I like weird physical activities like figure skating, gymnastics, hiking, tubing, etc

I've seen nullcherri around and she seems pretty rad =)


You've seen a lot of good bands. I keep thinking I should make a list, too.
i like riding my bike and stuff, but i would never say i am good at it. i am also not very good at pronouncing english. considering i learned a lot of words from reading, or have a mental block against the "correct" pronunciation, i speak with the weirdest stupidest accent ever, it's pretty lol.

i've been lucky to have a few gigs where i either got free tickets to shows as perks or shot the shows. i should collate all my band photos somewhere sometime too. it's kind of a pain tho cuz most of them are on film.
14. What my greatest achievements are: that one is definitely my kids. they are awesome, almost grown, and are going to be phenomenal and take over the world when they eventually enter out into it.

38. My idea of a perfect date: going to anything with a ferris wheel. or something giant and quasi industrial that i can climb on and take pictures of.

49. My relationship with my parents: this one is hard. my relationship with them all (i have three parents, a father, a mother, and a stepfather) is all pretty positive as of now. now that the kids are almost grown and doing so well my parents accord me a lot more respect and legitimacy than they did when the kids were tiny, because back then i was a fuck up of a teen parent, and not a teen parent who rose up and raised kids despite hard circumstances. my mom and i have a particularly rough relationship over the years, her mental illness often gets in the way of our relationship. my father and i have always been super close despite his complete inability to be emotionally open about ANYTHING. we are very alike in that tho. my stepdad and i have always been best friends. we get along super well, more like colleagues than a father/daughter type of relationship. we like the same music, same bands, we used to go to a lot of shows together when i was young.
How old were you when you had your first kid?

Your father and mine sounds quite similar. But I'm glad you're having positive relationships with all three of them at the moment.
woops forgot one!

53. What I hate most about myself: my complete inability to be artistically satisfied. the second i feel that i have adequately shot something i forget about it and move on to something new that is hard to shoot. like i literally forget everything i just did, half the time i photograph things i don't even ever look at the images, i just drop them in archives and move on. i wish i could feel that satisfaction of having shot something for a bit longer instead of immediately feeling inadequate about whatever i am planning on shooting next. i've been shooting pro for like 15yr now, you would think i would get past this art school thesis style of shooting by now. i hear it's common in most artists tho to constantly be your own hardest critic.
i hear it's common in most artists tho to constantly be your own hardest critic.

I hear you. At least I got that part of being artistic down pat.

And isn't what you're describing in fact one of the problems especially with digital photography. Images stored away in a folder somewhere and seldom brought back to be seen. I've looked more at the photos my parents took of my youth than what I've shot myself over the 5 years I've had digital cameras.
i do it with film too tho. it's more of like, the second that i KNOW i finally captured something exactly how i wanted to, i am no longer interested in it. so most of the time i never even go back over the images. i just move on to the next challenging thing.
I absolutely love that photo <3
Feel better soon!
16. My favorite songs right now: nothin to lose by tupac. people never believe me that i only really listen to tupac but it's true. he has enough material to last forever, and i am a very lyrics driven person, so i am constantly pouring over his songs for new lyrical gems.

17. How my last kiss went down: yuriy kissed me goodbye in my sleep this morning, but then he accidentally brushed my stomach (incisions) and i reflexively punched out at him in my sleep. it was p funny.

18. What I find attractive in the preferred sex: raw intelligence. i never really care about physical features, my exes run the gamut from classically attractive to super video game nerd stereotype. sense of humor is also important, but if someone isn't as smart as or smarter than me (rare, i am a p smart cookie with a weird broad education) then i won't be attracted to that person. i need to feel like the person will keep me interested and engaged, because stuff like looks fades away, and musical taste will change, but how smart someone is and what they do with their smarts pretty much stays on an even keel once you get out of high school.